Change.

the reason why i talk less bout my personal life nowadays is simply because i'm sick of explaining.

there's no point repetitively explaining when people just don't understand.

As time passes, i get more impatient and its obviously one of my weak point.

I don't think i'm qualified giving advice's as i too have lack of experience.

While i'm providing my one cents advice, there's also a layer of mask on me.

why would i bother bout talking bout it when they obviously wouldn't be able to help?..

don't come complaining that i'm secretive and etc when you didn't even bother asking..

everyone can be selfish. it's a choice on whether or not they want to be selfish.

so yes, mind me if I am selfish at some point because i refuse to take in more shit than I already have.

If you can't accommodate to that than i'm sorry,  neither can I.

Life

Life is a mess, heart is a mess, yet it is all covered up.
Disappointments are increasing.

This have to be solved ASAP.
I want my happy and carefree life back.

?

Am I at an age where I must date?.. Why the heck is everybody questioning on my relationship status?
Especially when I repeatedly said that i'm single. Makes me wonder whether I really look lonely or too occupied. LOL

It's like when I'm honest nobody actually believes and when I'm not honest, people just accepts and shut up. hahahaha

I've been hanging out more often than before only bcause it's the only time I can release stress. hahaha. Visually I might look like I have a lot of male friends, but truthfully, there's less than a hand full that I consider as true friends. I may seem close with alot of them simply bcause I'm very used to hanging out with guys. Going out alone with them doesn't mean we're in a relationship or me liking him or he liking me.

I just feel SUPER DUPER COMFORTABLE hanging out with my male friends because I don't need to guess and think what's on their mind, they usually just tell me. Unlike 90% of my female friends.

I'm very happy and satisfied with my life right now if I exclude my working life. So stop questioning / hovering me on my relationship status. I'm gonna be SUPER DUPER honest to the next person that ask questions on my relationship status so I actually get the message out xD

What goes around, comes around.

that phone call has been keeping me distracted for the past few days.
I sincerely hope it's the last call i'll hear from her because it's the ONLY REASON why I kept myself saint enough to not screw her over the phone.

If I get another call from her i'm gonna screw her.
She's been tormenting us mentally for the past 10 years. As if causing a broken family wasn't enough.
Part of me is happy that payback has finally hit her. KARMA worked at it's best.
But part of me wondered WHY THE FUCK would she bother calling? I didn't need her to tell me how fucked up my dad is as a man. I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW IT THROUGH HER.

And for her to think that she could call and not even SUGGEST to apologize for what she's done is horrible. I HAD TO TELL HER TO APOLOGIZE. like WTF?
You're never gonna be forgiven if that was what you were after. I hope you didn't expect us to show you ANY SYMPATHY, because you're not worth it.

Don't even bother telling me how much you love him. THAT ISN'T LOVE. if you need to crush other ppl's love to fulfill your so call LOVE.. than it's bullshit.

I could have become a very different person as to what I am now.. Not that i'm not proud or happy of how I turned up.. but I could have been better perhaps. So yes, I'll always blame you.

I do not appreciate this fucked up situation he put me in but i'll take it in and learn from it. So whoever that can't understand that should just shut up. Show your concern and SHUT THE FUCK UP. I do not need any advise unless you've been through something VERY SIMILAR / EXACTLY what I've been through.

.

I swear my friends make me feel miserable of being single everytime i meet them.
Why do you need to make such a big deal out of it? i'm happy being single. :D
It's not like i'm not dating because I can't move on or somethinggg.
I'M PERFECTLY FINE. I'm just not eagerly seeking for a relationship.
It will come when the time is right. STOP MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT. :D

.

If I get sandwich ONE MORE TIME.
I'M GONNA GIVE EVERYONE A PEACE OF MY MIND
AND DO WHATEVER I WANT AS I SEE FIT.

WTF did I do to deserve this? you adults either GROW UP or both sides gonna get a peace of my mind.
I'm trying very hard to make both sides happy and if none of you are gonna be understanding then fuck it.

Both sides aren't gonna be happy when I make my point. BE AN ADULT AND THINK LIKE AN ADULT. -_-

.

People keep asking me how it feels to be home.
Well. home isn't the same anymore. It's much quiet.
Home doesn't feel like home anymore. :'D

Unemployed.

I'm finally a bachelor degree holder! :)

more then being happy that i'm graduating, i'm happy to stop studying!

I will definitely miss my studying days, I alrd do!

I've made a lot of fonded memories throughout both my school and college life.

I have made lots of new friends throughout this journey! Some that I hope and intend to keep in touch with, although there's no guarantee. hahaha.

They've helped me a lot throughout my journey in the UK! 

Cheers mates! :)

It's the end of this chapter of my life. and i'm officially unemployed.

Now i'll have to face questions on my next step which I'm not even sure what it is.

Whatever it is and wherever i'll be, it's once again a new beginning!

Thank you?

so a couple of my friends decided to give me so "so call" early surprise birthday celebration since most of us won't be around during the actual day.

But since I alrd knew and couldn't do much about it. I had to go with the flow.

Didn't really felt like celebrating my birthday this year mainly bcause of Kiki's passing.

I usually celebrate my birthday and go home thinking her birthday is in 3 days and we cuddle when I come home. 

But oh well. I don't expect anyone to understand this especially them since we barely known each other. I still appreciate the effort they made though. :)

The only thing I didn't really like was that they.. or should I said he paid for dinner. ):

I know how expensive korean cuisines are in UK and I sort of looked at the price while we were ordering although I can't remember exactly how much it was.. but i'm pretty sure it came up to be around at least 30 pounds for just the meat dishes we ate. Not inclusive of the vegetarian dish my friend called.

IT'S TOO MUCH. I would have let it go if there were a few more that chipped in and share the bill since that's what friends normally do during birthday celebrations. But there was only 2 that shared the bill and one of them basically paid mostly for his own dishes. In addition to that, you guys got me cupcakes and a toy. WHY?):

Now I feel so bad bcause I won't be around when it's his birthday so I can't treat him and I didn't even attend the birthday celebration for the other friend. I don't deserve this. ._____.

And the both of you always treat me stuff........ although you guys always say it's not much. BUT STILL. ):

We are all students in UK so I know how hard it is to save $$ in UK. sighhhhhhhh.

I will definitely find a way to repay them.

So thank you for the little celebration and thank you for not making it too big of a deal although I know it wasn't planned that way. :D

 

??

Why is everyone so sensitive today? ._.
It was just a status.
People think i'm not fine when i'm absolutely fine. ._.
Now i'm confused whether or not i'm fine. LOL.

I hate when people think i'm sensitive and apologizes for nothing.
There was no need for an apology. I would have went myself if I wanted to.
Nobody makes decisions for me unless i ask for it. so chill out people. I'm fine :D

Stupidity.

You can't come and look for me once in awhile and expect me to tell you I miss you and then get mad when I tell you the truth. -.-

I do appreciate your concerns, but c'mon.. how the heck do you expect me to miss you when we only chat once in awhile?

I was just being honest and I do not apologize to that. :)

Superstitious

I'm not always superstitious. but at times like these, I prefer to be superstitious. :)
I dreamt of Kiki during my trip in Blackpool ♥
I would like to believe that her soul is in peace. :_)

It was a short dream but it meant a lot.
Thanks for visiting me in my dream baby! ♥

Excitement?

i'll be back home soon but i'm not even excited to get home anymore. ):

.

The fact that I can only see her through pictures now is painful T_T
knowing that i'll never see her when I get back home...

My phone is full of pictures of her and myself.
I'll get to scroll through my instagram and phone gallery whenever i miss her
Looking at others playing with their dogs just makes me sad.
It makes me think of the memories we shared.

Yes, i'm still not over her and I don't think I can see dogs the same way I used to.
I MISS HER. no matter what and how people think of me doesn't really matter.

WHY MUST I THINK OF HER NOWWWWW. DURING MY TRIP. OTL

T__________________T

28.05.2015

Thank you to everyone that was concerned.
I usually try really hard to not show it but this time was an exception. I just couldn't.

To those who realized and were concerned asked whether I was okay.
Well, truthfully. I'm not. She was more than a dog to me, she was my family, my best friend, my one and only.

She will always be remembered, she's going to be in my heart for the rest of my life.
Some who doesn't understand would think that i'm making a big deal over a dog, but those who understood got it the minute i mentioned her name. I didn't need to explain, her name just needed to be mentioned.

This made me realize how much a person understands me.
For those who i've met here in the UK, despite us knowing each other for less than a year, they showed concern and for that, i'm grateful. I'm really sorry for avoiding you guys today but I needed a moment, a moment alone to grieve.

For those back in Malaysia, whether or not you were close with Kiki, or you've just seen her through pictures I posted, thanks for the concern.


To Kiki,

I'm glad to know that you left peacefully and I'm sorry for not being able to be there for you during your last moment. You left me with lots of good memories that I would cherish for the rest of my life.

I still can't believe that i'll come home not being able to see you greet me. Home wouldn't be the same without you.

I might have lose a beautiful soul today but heaven has gain an angel. If faith has it, we will meet again.

I love you baby. ♥ 

Thank you.

Thank you for being there for me for the past 10 years of my life
And sorry for not being there till the very last moment.

My soulmate, my twin, you're at a better place. RIP ♥ 

Uni Life??

most of my results were released today and honestly speaking... i'm damn disappointed with it ):

Surprisingly, my parents aren't too disappointed about it this time.

I was expecting a higher grade for my finance paper... I believed it would have raised my overall grade. 

Although I managed to maintain at the Second Upper class grade that I targeted but still, its disappointing. I guess my first instinct is always right! Didn't have a good feeling after completing that paper anyways. My mind literally went blank during the paper ):

As long as I don't fail my last paper, I'M OFFICIALLY DONE WITH UNIVERSITY LIFE.

I FKING HATE 100% WRITTEN REPORTS. they freaking down graded my overall percentage ):

Since my parents are OKAY with my results, i'll just accept it and move on. 

It's been days and still no good news on Kiki. ):

Things have been pretty bad lately. I NEED SOME POSITIVE NEWS IN MY LIFE.

Conversation leads to realization

Was randomly having a conversation with a friend and realized he observed a very unique point of me.

It's amazing how he knew that I tend to not share my problems with friends and even better, he even knew my friends don't ask me unless i open up to them.
Tbh, no one has ever tell that to me in my face without me asking them, so I find it amazing.
am I that obvious? My friends usually keep questioning me till I just get them to stop asking. LOL

We've only met like idk, 3-4 times and he found my weak point. =/
I still find it hard to trust someone and spill my problems to a person.. especially.. to guys..

But it's good to know that he tried and convince me to trust him and talk to him when I needed to talk to someone. :)
I appreciate the effort and will definitely take that into an account! :)

The thing about being a good listener.. we usually don't get listen to. which is sad, i'm still searching for someone that will listen to my problems. well. not like there isn't any that had offered.. It's just me being me with a dumb personality. xD

Also, i'm so used to having boys treat me as their BRO that it doesn't even feel weird anymore.
I was told to be more feminine. LOL.
Besides not applying make-up, i think i'm feminine?......
He was shocked to know that I actually wear skirts and dress, like WTF? how is that shocking? Do I look like a person that hates wearing skirt / dresses? speeeeechless.

To my soul mate, I hope that you stay healthy and cheerful again.
I will be back soon, if you're starving urself because u miss me, STOP IT AND FREAKING PIG IN YOUR FOOD. T_T
You're freaking causing me mood swings, and I HATE MOOD SWINGS. -.-

빛

i've finally found a way to release stress!
it just so happened FTISLAND had their comeback when I was having stress!
and all their new songs had a dark vibe but at the same time provided HOPE in the lyrics.
it's just soothing to listen and i'm not even saying this because i'm a fan. it's just in general!
their old songs were good but just not good enough.

Listening to FTISLAND songs makes me happy!
also playing basketball! I just realized how much stress I released through playing basketball!
I might not be a good player, but i'm satisfy. and to play with people that appreciates such skills makes me feel more comfortable :)

I love how i'm able to release stress just by bouncing and shooting the ball hard!
I'm pretty sure nobody realized but i've stopped posting certain updates of my life for quite awhile now. it's also one of the reason I get stress up. it might not be a big deal for some, but it's a big deal for me. and me being me, i prefer not to share it. cause no one can change anything hahahahaha!
Those that played basketball with me will probably think i'm having stress because of my dissertation. I prefer to keep it that way :D

it's all up to fate now, i'll just keep praying :D

THANK YOU FTISLAND for having this comeback during this time! The lyrics of some of the songs stroked straight to the heart. It helped me a lot :)

and to those that messaged me and got ignored. SORRY. I tend to do that a lot especially when i'm stress up. I would just not read it if i could.. but i'm human, i get curious! so i read and ignore. hahaha
If you feel bad, I sometimes ignore my mom's message too. so you're not the only one :)

Untitled

So much shit going on back at home.
I really don't wanna give a fuck about it but i don't have a choice.

FARK MAI LAIFE MAN. FARK IT.